What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 08:43
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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Im still living with it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Ipsa qui quis id sit et sit eius.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Would this be the day?
He resisted the act ,that day.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I waited trembling.
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My life is so biszare .
(And it was in our own minds.)
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All the time i was locked up.
So whats the point in blame.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was 9 years of age.
And i lived it daily.
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I will be 64.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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But, we were locked up after school.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Comes on , in middle age.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She wouldn,t have been !
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I couldn’t, believe it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
This is soul school!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But it wasn’t much.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We were not on the streets..
She found it foreign!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I write beautiful poetry .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It was going to be , some day.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I have no regrets .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
So, i spoilt her more .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Put me off passion for life!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She was in good health!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was seconnd youngest,
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I think the readers, may guess!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Was to survive, this bastard.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We all went to grammer schools
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One cannot live in the past .
I said to her
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She married twice! .
Ive learnt so much.
Who then, do I blame.?
What did i know ?
He knew the spot.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was very sick at this time too.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My family never makes their pension either.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was scared of men, in general
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I don,t even have a pension.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She loved him until the end.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
When she asked me how she looked .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!